When you don't want to.

You know those days, weeks... or even months, that you avoid prayer? Those times you have thought that you should pray and but instead you scroll through Instagram for another 45 minutes. My heart has known this all too well. Sitting at home watching the third episode of whatever show I’m watching desiring to pray, but my desire to sit and do something else is stronger. This comes from so many different reasons and areas of the soul. The pain of a recent encounter, fear, doubt, worry, complacency, laziness, or even a numb heart.

Mine more recently is the result of a numb heart. A heart that is tired of feeling pain and loss. A heart that just wanted to slowly beat and not feel. It’s easy, it can even be comfortable because you ignore the feelings. You just move.

Oh, little soul. Stop. Feel.

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self- discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Our Lord does not want us to just exist and let everything bounce off of us. He wants us to encounter, to feel, to absorb all that is good around us. To let it all move us towards Him. It is only in Him that we find mercy, healing, grace, and JOY.

But if we sit and be numb we let our wounds fester. Our joy shrink. Our sorrow grow. Our God who is all good, offers us much, delivers us, but also allows things, good or bad to happen. We cannot let these occurrences mold our hearts into walls of stone.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Our eyes need to stay focused on the light. We need to place ourselves in front of our Lord as often as we can. With great urgency we must run to Him, knowing the pain, the loss, the emptiness, loneness, and more can only be replaced fully by Him. Go to chapel. Go to Mass. Go to reconciliation. Go. Our souls need spiritual food that only He can offer.

So now what little soul? Rhythm. Find your rhythm of prayer, it is unique and your own, but it must be daily and consistent. Let it hurt, tie it to Christ on the cross and know that it is not for nothing. Let it move you closer to His hear that bleeds for you. 

See you in the Eucharist.

jenna